IF you lived in Canada, you could legally represent yourself as a large chinned, TNT superstation watching, ankle messaging, Chinese food woking, Nirvana rocking, blood clotting, (Dom Deluise/Burt Reynolds) bad movie watching, Morrisey singing, jungle gym swinging, Elle MacPherson swimsuit edition dreaming, UFO believing, neuron firing, Sinbad admiring, 8-track tape investing, victim of radiation testing, alcohol fermenting, $2 the first minute $.90 each additional minute phone bill spending, blunt object Kerrigan leg hitting, Tic-Tac addicting, Chimpanzee attention spanning, Wilt Chamberlain bragging, soup heating, toilet paper eating (wood pulp is a fine source of dietary fiber), "special" learning, David Koresh burning, water retaining, chain rule differentiating, hair afroing, strange, scientifically unknown armpit fungi growing, Burlywooding, Bill Cosby Jello pudding, phone tapping, pimp slapping, Bobbit fearing, non-alcoholic beering, potato mashing, Victor bashing, Singapore cane lashing, postal worker snapping, white-boy rapping, corn dog frying, pathological lying, female liking (allegedly), prom punch bowl spiking, hole in the ozone causing, sound a sheep makes when it is thrown from a 3rd story building onto a trampoline "BaZing!", calcium fortifying, horse riding (no, that's Grayson), Surgeon General warning, lime jello avoiding, beeper paging, 19-year-old aging, WHITE MIDDLE CLASS MALE.
- by Matt Woelk